Our society is riddled with tone deafness. Not only in those who are musically challenged, but for anyone simply trying to communicate with others. It affects us all like a cancer, and when left unchecked spreads like a malignancy throughout our inner being, contaminating our lives and metastasizing to those around us.
Over the course of our lives we have primarily been affected by TONE DEAFNESS in the misunderstandings it creates. These misunderstandings arise not simply because of words that were said or written, but the tone that they came across in. Our perception of the entire person at the time of the discussion (based on our history with that person and our experiences with others) sets the tone. Maybe it's because someone 'makes a face', 'has THAT tone', yells, screams, rolls their eyes, 'gets in your face', slams a door, 'chimes in' in the middle of a conversation, or doesn't listen to what you are saying. Each of us filters these things differently, based on our own personal history, and our history with the person we're having the conversation with.Some of these filters we accept or ignore, even though we know they aren't right, and they grow unchecked...like a malignant tumor.
There is also TONE SENSITIVITY. Some people are more sensitive to loudness, others to sarcasm, others to sternness, others to whining, others to being cut off, others to being pointed at, others to the sense of losing control, and others to disagreement of any sort. A person that never yells will hear a raised voice as a scream. Kind WORDS spoken with a mean look on one's face will be heard as yelling. An easy-going person may hear resoluteness or confidence as bossiness. Others will hear silence as not caring, when it's really overwhelming concern or fear. Many are able to ignore some tones all-together, while others hear the softest tones as fingernails on a chalkboard. Often we get used to a tone over time; yet other times the tone gets progressively more annoying, or even hurtful....and that's when the metastasizing begins.
There are other factors, too: the number of people in a conversation, their age, their maturity, their open-mindedness, their sex, their religious persuasion, their moral compass, their relationship to the others....the list goes on and on. It's easy to see how quickly misunderstandings can not only arise and even escalate out of control.
I experienced one of these tone-deaf 'concerts' last year. My son and another boy had a disagreement...that no adults witnessed. I stumbled upon them at the end, when they were both crying at each other. I encouraged them to work it out, because clearly it was a misunderstanding, telling them that since they love each other, they needed to work past it. Anyway, they didn't work it out, and both ended up very upset and crying (keep in mind they were only 5 and 7). Parents got involved, and parents of parents, too: Each with their own tones AND their own tone 'filters'. As happens frequently, the filters didn't line up, so the misunderstanding spread. The filters were on high alert, kicking in full throttle with their complimentary arsenal of facial expressions, body language, sound effects and props. Words, tones, faces, tones, eyes, tones, arms, tones...another person enters the fray...new tones, new sensitivities, new filters...more words, stronger words, repeating of words louder. Escalation - malignancy, confrontation, walking away, banging props, tones filters on overload - metastasizing. Some participants were not talking, just filtering...hearing 'screaming' because the words weren't what they wanted to hear, seeing faces and tones without listening to words, or screaming in their own minds themselves, too frozen by their filters to say anything out loud.
I know I have tone deafness and tone sensitivities. I know my whispers can sound like screams, my smile cannot always veil my true feelings, and my voice has a sarcasm that reveals the truth behind my kind words. However, what about the tones I don't even realize that others hear? Do each of us really know our own tones or the effects they have on others? Do we even care or do we just expect others to get used to it or deal with it or move on? It's often much easier to find comfort in those who've grown used to our tones...have accepted them for what they are...or have the same tones as we do. Perhaps, if we all critiqued our own tones as much as those of others we could learn to more easily forgive each other during times of misunderstanding. We must strive to listen to each other and learn from each other with an open heart and mind. And, to a large degree, accept each other for the filters and sensitivities that we all have and that are not quickly or easily changed.
We all have a lot of work ahead of us, but don't we owe at least that much to those we love? I know I will continually remind myself of the words of Paul: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those that hear." (Ephesians 4:29)
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