My Twinkies....it's what I live for.

If you see me happy, it's probably because of something they've said or done to make me smile.

If you see me angry, it's probably because I'm protecting them.

If you see me sad, it's probably because I'm feeling their pain.

If you see me worried, it's probably because I see them struggling.

If you see me overwhelmed, it's probably because they've driven me crazy.

If you see me at peace, it's probably because they are at peace....for now.

As a mom, most of what I choose to do it for my children.  Sometimes it makes me do things I never thought I'd do....extremely good things and extremely surprising things.  I would lay my life on the line for them...which means I would lay my friendships on the line, my work on the line, my hobbies on the line.  You name it, and I would sacrifice it for them.  I never used to understand it when people used to say to me, "Someday when you have kids, you'll understand."  That comment used to drive me crazy.  Now, I get it.  Children bring a perspective to your life that is unimaginable.  If I had never known it, I would have managed without it, but I am blessed to know, and grateful for the opportunity every day to be happy, angry, sad, worried and overwhelmed!

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Comments on My Christianity (Inspired by 'Baptizing Heathen Words' - from Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff)

I grew up in a Christian family of Baptist/Lutheran descent.  Basically, that means we attended a small country Methodist church just 3 miles from our family farm..pretty much every week, except when we went to Illinois to visit my extended family in the Chicago suburbs.  I was pretty much always in Sunday school, went through confirmation, attended VBS...and eventually helped teach as I got older, looked forward to monthly youth group events, and even played in the church softball league.

God and Jesus were always a part of our lives, even though They weren't something we witnessed to others about.  We prayed before dinner, but not usually breakfast and lunch.  We prayed with our hands together, not up in the air or united across the table.  We said the same prayer every day, not anything more specific than "Come Lord Jesus, be our guest.  Let these gifts to us be blessed.  Amen."  Short and sweet.

One of my dad's uncles in southern Illinois, Uncle Delbert, was still a Baptist minister when I was a growing up.  My great grandfather, Mayo Ashbrook, was also a Baptist minister.  We would visit those relatives, and it would be like entering a new overwhelming world, full of 'praise Jesus', hallelujah's, and loud, arm-flailing singing.  While visiting family in the south, we would load up into my dad's cousins van, Lenora and Doval, and they would tell stories about all the adventures they took their youth group on.  I would leave wanting more...even though it was a bit uncomfortable. 

When I would hear stories about my Catholic friends', I wanted to be Catholic, too....CCD sounded so fun from the outside, getting to hang out with your classmate (instead of doing chores on the farm...).  AWANA sounded fun, too.  I imagine our VBS was pretty enticing to the outside world, as well, looking back on it.  As kids, we talked about the fun things we were DOING...not just using certain buzz-words.

So, when I read this blog by Jeff Goins, it really did make me chuckle at some of the things we Christians say, as if somehow saying these words out load is better than living these words silently. 

Baptizing Heathen Words. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

Okay, I've gotta run....time for some facebook 'fellowship'.  Ha, ha!  ;)

To-Do Not Ta-Done

This is something I wrote back in January, and never posted....got distracted I guess.  So here it is:

I was a full-time worker bee for 15+ years before giving birth to the Twinkies. During that time, I vaguely recall often feeling a sense of accomplishment over many projects I'd be working on: my sales job, presentations, making jewelry for fun, training our dog, going for runs, cleaning the house, remodeling our old house, shopping, spending quality time with 3....the list goes on and on.

Fast forward to today, and it is rare I have that same feeling of accomplishment. Somehow my list of daily To-Dos just doesn't balance with my Ta-Done(!) list: Doing laundry; making lunches; phone meetings; loading and unloading the dishwasher; picking up dog do-do; putting laundry away; work; constantly nagging the Twinkies to make sure they stay on track of projects or stop arguing or simply eat the food (that they've requested!); exercising; and letting go of things that I always dreamed of doing, but really don't matter to me anymore (but that's a whole 'nother blog!)

However, the Twinkies are the ones that always seems to suck the energy out of me faster than an F-16 chugs fuel.  Is it a coincidence that there are 2 of them and only 1 of me that drains me so quickly?  No, it's no coincidence at all.  It is because they are my #1 priority, no matter where they fall on my To-Do list.  I helped bring them into this world, and they are the most important thing that I need to get right (or as close to right as possible) today and everyday.  They are part of my plan, just as we are all part of God's plan.  Just as He holds us in his hands every day, I need to hold my children in my hand every day....every minute.

Just as I start to realize that there is not a single thing I can put an 'X' by, and I'm sinking further and further behind, I walk by the play room to hear S saying to N, "Great job, my brudder (as she affectionately calls him), you made an awesome Lego airplane.  I wish I could do that!"  Ahhhh....I have in fact accomplished more than my To-Do list could ever reveal!

Snow Day #2.5

So far this year, we have had quite a few 'snow storms' in New Jersey.  Of course, they are nothing compared to the ones of my Wisconsin childhood, but are still worth noting, because the life-altering effect they have on the fair residents of the Garden State.


To start out with, the numbers simply freak people out.  They hear "9-12 inches of snow expected to HIT the area", and they're off!  It doesn't matter if the accumulation will occur in 5 hours or 5 days...frantic shoppers rush to stock up on food, water and shovels.  In all fairness, in an urban area such as ours, there really aren't many places to put all of the snow, so it really does mess up the roads.  And, unlike 'normal' winters here, the snow hasn't been melting.  Back home, with 5 lane highways belting the city and county roads in the middle of nowhere, the plows could launch the snow 100 feet, and it would just end up in a corn field or ravine.  Here, the same snow is often hitting someone's front door!

I've always complained about how ugly NJ winters are...a never-ending cycle of snow, slush, mud (repeat):  This year has been a beautiful exception.  We've been able to ice skate on our pond...a first for us here; do a ton of sledding on our ever-growing snow pile; and observe cardinals, blue jays, chickadees, titmice, doves, woodpeckers, geese (much to our dismay...they didn't leave our yard this year) and even turkeys feast at our fully stocked bird feeders.

The view from my 'island'

I've also complained about the snow days KILLING my work-from-home productivity:  This year I'm seeing a change in that, as well.  While I spent the night before each storm hoping and praying that it doesn't affect the kids' school schedules, the reality is that while they've ended up with 2 full snow days and 2 delays between the 2 of them, it really hasn't been as big of a deal as I've feared.  Today, for instance, I've been working on my laptop on my own private island...the kitchen island, that is...while the twinkies have been playing all around me WITHOUT much interruption!  Nils set up a mini version of his school in the basement, so that Sylvi could enjoy the play centers he experiences every day...she was so excited!  Sylvi has been coloring up a storm.  Nils has build even more amazing Lego creations.  They even had their own, SELF-IMPOSED rest time after lunch!  AND, I was able to get work done!

I do have to travel for work tomorrow, and they're saying there is more snow in the forecast.  So, once again, I will be hoping and praying it doesn't affect the kids' school schedules.  If it does, then Daddy may be lucky enough to have a repeat of the same great day I had today....Snow Day #2.5!

What am I worried about?!

For quite some time, I'd been hesitant to write a blog:  I waited a long time to start one, and since then I haven't posted too much that the general public can see, at least.


The reality is that I have written a lot here, and that I like to write.  Much of what I have written has been saved in my 'drafts' folder....fermenting, rotting, or aging nicely depending on the content. At times I was worried that I would offend people I care about, or not convey myself as I intended to. (I also critique my work over and over to the point of absurdity, so that by the time it's done, it's often no longer relevant!)

Well, enough of that silliness! I've decided, as I've known all along, that what I write is part of who I am. I do not write with perfection or about perfect subjects:  A bit of what I write may be upsetting and/or offensive to some; but it may be helpful and healing to others...as it is to me. Today I have decided to start introducing some of that content, because even if it only helps one person put something in their life into perspective, then that's perfection to me!

Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
(Psalm 25:4-5)

May God bless those who follow my blog...It's NO Coincidence that you're here!

The Malignancy of Tone Deafness

Our society is riddled with tone deafness. Not only in those who are musically challenged, but for anyone simply trying to communicate with others. It affects us all like a cancer, and when left unchecked spreads like a malignancy throughout our inner being, contaminating our lives and metastasizing to those around us.

Over the course of our lives we have primarily been affected by TONE DEAFNESS in the misunderstandings it creates. These misunderstandings arise not simply because of words that were said or written, but the tone that they came across in. Our perception of the entire person at the time of the discussion (based on our history with that person and our experiences with others) sets the tone. Maybe it's because someone 'makes a face', 'has THAT tone', yells, screams, rolls their eyes, 'gets in your face', slams a door, 'chimes in' in the middle of a conversation, or doesn't listen to what you are saying. Each of us filters these things differently, based on our own personal history, and our history with the person we're having the conversation with.Some of these filters we accept or ignore, even though we know they aren't right, and they grow unchecked...like a malignant tumor.

There is also TONE SENSITIVITY. Some people are more sensitive to loudness, others to sarcasm, others to sternness, others to whining, others to being cut off, others to being pointed at, others to the sense of losing control, and others to disagreement of any sort. A person that never yells will hear a raised voice as a scream. Kind WORDS spoken with a mean look on one's face will be heard as yelling.  An easy-going person may hear resoluteness or confidence as bossiness. Others will hear silence as not caring, when it's really overwhelming concern or fear. Many are able to ignore some tones all-together, while others hear the softest tones as fingernails on a chalkboard.  Often we get used to a tone over time; yet other times the tone gets progressively more annoying, or even hurtful....and that's when the metastasizing begins. 

There are other factors, too: the number of people in a conversation, their age, their maturity, their open-mindedness, their sex, their religious persuasion, their moral compass, their relationship to the others....the list goes on and on. It's easy to see how quickly misunderstandings can not only arise and even escalate out of control. 

I experienced one of these tone-deaf 'concerts' last year. My son and another boy had a disagreement...that no adults witnessed.  I stumbled upon them at the end, when they were both crying at each other.  I encouraged them to work it out, because clearly it was a misunderstanding, telling them that since they love each other, they needed to work past it. Anyway, they didn't work it out, and both ended up very upset and crying (keep in mind they were only 5 and 7). Parents got involved, and parents of parents, too: Each with their own tones AND their own tone 'filters'. As happens frequently, the filters didn't line up, so the misunderstanding spread. The filters were on high alert, kicking in full throttle with their complimentary arsenal of facial expressions, body language, sound effects and props. Words, tones, faces, tones, eyes, tones, arms, tones...another person enters the fray...new tones, new sensitivities, new filters...more words, stronger words, repeating of words louder. Escalation - malignancy, confrontation, walking away, banging props, tones filters on overload - metastasizing. Some participants were not talking, just filtering...hearing 'screaming' because the words weren't what they wanted to hear, seeing faces and tones without listening to words, or screaming in their own minds themselves, too frozen by their filters to say anything out loud.

I know I have tone deafness and tone sensitivities. I know my whispers can sound like screams, my smile cannot always veil my true feelings, and my voice has a sarcasm that reveals the truth behind my kind words. However, what about the tones I don't even realize that others hear? Do each of us really know our own tones or the effects they have on others? Do we even care or do we just expect others to get used to it or deal with it or move on? It's often much easier to find comfort in those who've grown used to our tones...have accepted them for what they are...or have the same tones as we do.

Perhaps, if we all critiqued our own tones as much as those of others we could learn to more easily forgive each other during times of misunderstanding. We must strive to listen to each other and learn from each other with an open heart and mind. And, to a large degree, accept each other for the filters and sensitivities that we all have and that are not quickly or easily changed.


We all have a lot of work ahead of us, but don't we owe at least that much to those we love?  I know I will continually remind myself of the words of Paul: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those that hear." (Ephesians 4:29)

Cousins in Arms

I am the oldest of 9 cousins. My brother Matt, who is the next of the cousins, is 6 years younger than I, so for a long time it was the adults and me. In fact, I was 10 years old before I even earned the title 'cousin'....on March 16th, 1978, when my cousin Doug was born (and, yes, sorry Doug, but I cried all the way to school, disappointed you weren't a girl...but that's what 10-year-olds do!)

So the years went by...Derrick, Tom, Brad, Lisa (finally a girl when I was 13 years old!!!), Greg and Brian. There were only 3 of us on my mom's side, the Harker family, so we didn't have to fight much to get attention. And, being the only girl for a long time on my dad's side, the Eakins family, didn't hurt, either. I was able to get so much special time with my grandparents that the younger cousins didn't: watching Johnny Carson with Grandma Eakins late at night and Love Boat at Grandma and Grandpa Harker's; riding in my Grandpa Harker's models A and T at parades; making TONS of Christmas cookies every year with my Grandma Harker and mom; and frying green tomatoes and dandilions with my Grandma Eakins...can you say YUM?! And, it was never too crazy at family get-togethers, so we were all able to have a good time and stay relatively close, even though my parents had moved from the Chicago suburbs to a farm in southern Wisconsin, 2 hours away.

Since I got a later start on a family than Matt, and Bernie's sister Jen was married early, too, our Twinkies entered this world already having 5 cousins: Timmy 10; Annie, 8; Nadia, 4; Cody, 3; and Mason, 2. How sad we were that only 3 weeks after the Twinkies were born, Nadia and Mason moved from NJ as their time in the AF here was done...but at least the Twinkies came 5 weeks early so that they could meet them before they left! And, the Twinkies still had their NJ cousins, Timmy, Annie and Cody...TAC...who only lived about an hour away and were incredibly excited to be the BIG COUSINS.

To be realistic, until the last year or so, the Twinkies haven't really appreciated cousins, both in concept and function. They were often so content with having each other, and they were really too young up until now.  The age gap made it hard, too. However, over the past summer, the Twinkies have been able to spend much more time with all of their cousins than they'd been used to, and it was incredible: My brother came out for the 4th and spent almost a week with us, and we had time at the shore with Timmy, Annie and Cody and then again for a 3-day sleepover at our house.

There is something indescribable about spending days in a row with someone versus simply visiting them for an afternoon birthday party or holiday dinner. First of all, there aren't as many people around, so you can play, eat, hang out, and have adventures. Secondly, you can just 'be' a lot easier! If you forget to ask something at 1pm, chances are you'll remember to ask in a few hours....and you'll still be together!  You really get to learn a lot about a person, you laugh over little things...like the misunderstood lyrics of songs and funny food habits.

Being together over extended periods gives people the opportunity to be reminded that we are not all alike...we each have unique differences and quirks.  The beauty of being a family is that we love each other anyway.  I've been a fan for some time of the saying that you can love someone and at the same point in time not like them.  I think it's a great way of putting our differences into perspective....that no difference or obstacle takes away from the love we have of family (and good friends, for that matter!)

Little Things

Tweens waving at me from the back seat of a school bus I'm following, watching me laugh and then waving more ~ Nils saying, 'You're going to make me cry' when he saw Bernie and I walk into the Tony's Pizza at lunch, because he was so happy ~ Sylvia saying, 'Nils, I'll wake you up tonight, so you don't wet your bed' ~ Seeing our Nieces and Nephews A LOT this month ~ Bernie making it safely to Orlando...without delays!

Thank you, Lord, for blessing us with the little things!

Twinkies Minus One...I don't like this math!

As time went by, the roller coaster continued to loop around without stopping to drop us off at the designated area....Hold on, we're ready for the ride to end! (Ha, ha, ha!!)

89 of the state-mandated 90 days consisting of five grueling evaluations went by before we found out on June 14th that our Twinkie son was accepted into the incredible special services preschool program in our town.  Luckily Bernie was able to make it to the meeting, as it was much more overwhelming than I expected it would be.  After reviewing all of the evaluations, they told us they'd like to have him in the program, and without hesitation tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably.  Yeah, he would be getting the help he needs!  Oh no, he's going to be classified and have an IEP!  I was mentally prepared for all of this, but the emotions erupted none-the-less.

It was on that day that we found out more about the program...The program itself is fantastic, so we couldn't ask for more, but it was not what we were expecting for our family.  All along, we thought it would be a half day program (another mom had told me it was when her son was in it a couple of years ago, and it was on the school website as such), so it would be in addition to his existing pre-k schooling (they were signed up for transitional K this fall, 5 mornings a week, since they don't turn 5 til late Oct.)  When I asked the case manager during the evaluation process about the program, she said she didn't want to say anything until the evaluations were done.  So, it was on the day he was accepted into the program that they told us how it's a full day program and integrated with the normal preschool.  Wow, that was great news....his Twinkie sister could attend the same school!  So, we were super psyched, and I called to sign her up right away.  Unfortunately, the only person in the entire office who knew diddly-squat was out with the flu for 2 days, so I had to leave messages.  On day 4 we received a call back, saying to come in and fill out the application, but when I arrived an hour later, I was told that the 2 classes were full, AND there are already 2 kids on the wait list.  (Yes, round 2 of SERIOUS CRYING.) Another week of phone calls, Hello?!  You know he has a twin sister, and it never dawned on you to have us sign her up?  Is there anything we can do?  The school finally told us they were considering adding a 3rd class, and they would let us know in a week.  Three weeks later, last week, they announced their decision not to add a class. 

So, now it's mid-July, and after being hopeful our twins would be able to attend the same school in the same town, we found out how crazy opposite their schedules will be....public vs. Christian school; schools in 2 different towns, because we live in Franklin Lakes but work in Midland Park.  We considered trying to get her in another preschool in our town, however, we love the preschool they've been attending for the last 2 years:  Our daughter is going to have the same teacher she had last year, they knows the whole situation we are faced with, and they've offered to let me drop her off early, if we need to.  Truly awesome.  Plus it's only 4 blocks from our office and 1 block from my in-laws.  Again, can you say AWESOME!

It will only be a year, because this is just a preschool program, and we will survive.  I know we will...we all will.  It's just not how we were hoping it would go:  The words keep going around in my head, "If they had just told us about the program at the beginning of the 90 days, we would have signed his sister up months ago"..."it would have been worth the risk to lose the application fee, just to save ourselves the hassle"..."If he were in a program that wasn't integrated, then we wouldn't have had the hopes that she could even go to his school!"

But, alas, all that is behind us now.  The fun is ahead of us...spending more time with each of our Twinkies, seeing them grow in ways we can't even fathom, and knowing that this is all part of God's plan for us.  Sure, I don't like the math, but it could be a much worse equation! 

How about you...have you dealt with separating your children due to special services?

Do You See What I See?

The last few months I have been screaming on a self-created roller coaster ride.  I must admit, though, that I wanted to ride the roller coaster....I just didn't see the triple-corkscrew turns on the backside!

For several months before the seat belts on the ride clamped down, I had been noticing behavioral things with our Twinkie son that concerned me.  I had mentioned them to Bernie, but he more often than not thought our son 'was just being a boy'.  I heard that a lot from various people.  However, I saw him in various situations, around many other boys, where he was definitely WAY more of a boy than the rest of the boys....and not in a good way.  Church, school, gymnastics, swimming, birthday parties, and any new situation....all would reveal moments, sometimes quite long, of  hyperactivity, distraction, inattentiveness, and random crazy behavior.  Sure, many 4 year old boys act this way, but I was seeing it with him on a regular basis.  He was getting in trouble a lot from teachers and instructors and receiving many odd looks from strangers.

One day while watching him and his Twinkie sister in gymnastics, I thought out loud:  Buddy, can you just freaking sit and listen for 30 SECONDS?!  A mom heard me and began to tell me about her daughter when she was that age.  One thing led to another, and we ended up having an incredibly enlightening dialog...one that made me see things in a way that made it easier to explain to Bernie why I thought we needed to act on what I was seeing while our son is still young and before he gets labeled as 'the troublemaker', etc.

I called his preschool teacher the next day, and she was relieved to hear my concerns, because she had been seeing what I had been seeing. Bernie and I met with her, and he began to see things even more clearly and understand how important it would be to get help for our son as early on as possible.

The next day I wrote a letter to our town to have him evaluated by special services.  It was scary and exciting all at once....getting help for our son that we were not being very successful in giving him would be wonderful, but, at the same time, it would also mean that life for our Twinkies could be much different than what they and we are used to.  But, how could we NOT try to get him help...if programs are available, it's our job as his parents to give him all we can.  A couple of weeks after sending my letter, we were contacted to schedule a meeting with the special services team.

...Please keep your arms inside your car and enjoy the ride!

Have you ever been at odds as parents about your child...maybe their behavior or difficulty in school or physical obstacles?  How have you come together for your child?

Waves

Waves of relaxation
Rising far from the shore,
The crashing foam brings them closer, but not within reach.

My Life as a Cat Herder

I'm a big fan of marketing and advertising: I will purchase a bottle of wine for how the label looks, not what it says...as long as it's not a Chardonnay! I love new things, yet relish the old....just look around my house. I love history, but want to create new traditions for my children to pass along with the old. I guess that's why I always seem to have more on my plate than I intend: And I'm always looking for something new to try...even though I like the old, and I'm not finished with what I've already started!


Where does the advertising fit in to my story? Well, I majored in journalism and marketing, and I've always had an affinity for how people spin ideas. A Superbowl commercial from 2000 by EDS is my all-time favorite. Herding Cats: If you saw it, I'm sure you remember it. It's hard to forget the rough and tumble cowboys tell stories of driving their herds on the plains: They don't herd cattle, though, they herd cats...hundreds and hundreds of them. They drive the fur balls across streams (who knew cats could swim!), rescue them from trees, and rein them in when they stampede. One cat poke rolls a ball of yarn, another shows off his scratches, a third takes a lint brush to his coat...all proud of a hard day's work.  A voice-over at the end says that managing data in the ever-changing world of information technology is like trying to herd cats. EDS claims they're experienced wranglers.

Well, I'm going to go as far as to say that managing life in our ever-changing, techno-driven world -- with 100's of TV channels (many filled with USEFUL information), books and music you can download onto your mobile device (from outer space!), and kids' sports and play dates for everyday of the week -- is just as challenging.  But, the rewards are worth it!

Before the Twinkies, I was a full time, traveling sales rep for a manufacturer.  I had an AWESOME boss, who, upon learning I was pregnant with twins, offered to let me stay on part-time, keep the benefits and the company car, and adjust to mommahood.  What a great deal...to stay home, home on the range! 

Well, the Twinkies were born 5 weeks early!  Three months into motherdom, I was overwhelmed by all I was trying to juggle, and I could sense all the balls were about to drop.  It was no coincidence when my husband broke his ankle, right when I was at the end of my rope.  Next thing I know, I was taking the Twinkies to the sitter at 5:30 am to make 8am appointments in the city.  Obviously, something had to give:  Since double-pumping on the LIE (Long Island Expressway to those of you from outside the tri-state NYC area) alongside semi-trucks during rush hour wasn't my cup of tea, I chose to let go of the sales job and really focus on my new family (that took years to achieve and tons of technology, btw!) 

Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini, or because I'm a lefty, or because I'm a farm girl from Wisconsin, or simply because I'm curious.  Either way, when I'd decided to focus on my family and simply sell jewelry in my 'free time', I was pretty proud of myself!  Well, you might guess what came next:  I thought I had enough time to start working for my husband's family business, too!  Just 2 days a week wouldn't be that much, and I loved marketing!

While I'd like to think that I'm becoming an experienced wrangler, I continually have my share of scratches to show for it.  The steep hills, the hairballs, the muddy valleys, the chuck wagon meals, the flooded river crossings, and, of course, the stampedes of my life...They are no coincidence in my life:  They are part of God's plan....and I'll be ready to saddle up tomorrow, to meet them head on.